


Dum Spiro Spero

by LillithBlack



Series: Space Exy [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Space, Brainwashing, Gen, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mind Control, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Other, Space exy, Synesthesia, of sorts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 11:43:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14080176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LillithBlack/pseuds/LillithBlack
Summary: Dum Spiro Spero. While I breathe, I hope.Natalia never knew what hope was. She wasn't given the luxury of a definition.It's all Renee lives by.





	Dum Spiro Spero

**Author's Note:**

> Today I planned on working on a comedy fic for the Bangtan fandom, instead I did this. It's really dark and I legitimately chickened out on writing all the other things that happened to Natalia before she became Renee, for another time. 
> 
> Pleeeeeeese pay attention to the tags this is just as dark as the books possibly more so.

  
  


Natalia doesn’t remember who her parents were. Natalia doesn’t even know if she had parents. She might have just sprung up from the soil fully formed. Anything from before is just a dark gaping maw of pain. She does not remember it.

 

Her first memories are of the Witch. Natalia was four or five standards. Her legs short and chubby. She remembered running too and fro fetching water and other objects for the Witch. Each time the Witch would reward her with a kiss to the forehead or a hair ruffle, and every particle of Natalia’s being would sing. Her entire world began and ended with the Witch. Nothing mattered, not food or water or sleep just that the Witch was happy with Natalia.

 

Natalia doesn’t remember when she started seeing the colours but they were alway there. The Witch always a deep rich purple almost plum when she was calm and black violet when Natalia displeased her. The pain Natalia felt when the Witch was angry didn’t bear thinking about.

 

The colours were how Natalia knew how to act, she knew by the shift of their cadence what the Witch wanted.

 

For a long time Natalia told no one about the colours.

 

The Witch told Natalia she was special. She explained that Natalia had been chosen for a very special job because she was the only child who had survived the Witch’s trials. 

 

For a whole standard Witch brought teachers and told Natalia to learn, because it would please the Witch Natalia did.

 

She learned to read and write, she learned to entertain guests. She learned how to apply cosmetics and she learned to play the harp. Natalia saw the surprise and awe in her teachers by the pale yellow tinged with green. But it was the bursts of cool blue from the Witch that Natalia lived for.

 

Many men came and went while Natalia continued her lessons, they would sit a ways away from her and watch. She could feel the oppressive red of their want for her but she didn’t deviate from her work. The lime green of the Witch’s anticipation while she spoke to these men spoke clearly of how badly she wanted Natalia to impress these men. 

 

The household slaves didn’t speak to her but the oldest, an old woman who had worked for the Witch a long time did. She was the one who had dressed Natalia before she had learned for her herself. One day while the Witch was away, the old slave sat her down and spoke to her.

 

“You know why the Mistress has you learn these skills?”

 

“Yes.” Natalia answered.

 

“She wishes you trained as pleasure slave.”

 

“She told me.”

 

“Do you know why the men come and watch you?”

 

Natalia tried not to think about her future, she only lived for the Witch’s pleasure. 

 

“She wishes to sell me to the highest bidder.” Natalia replied, trying to tamp down on the unease she felt crawling up her throat even at the thought of being separated from the Witch. It was hard when the Witch left the house even for a few hours, any longer just didn’t seem bearable.

 

“And do you know what the men will want to do once they buy you?”

 

Natalia told her. She could tell by the greasy yellow and murky red that the old slave felt disgust and apprehension but Natalia didn’t care. She had to know these things because it would please the Witch for her to know her lessons.

 

“Once you are sold, you know the mistress will sever her connection and tie you to your new owner.” 

 

Natalia didn’t know. Somewhere inside her she felt like clawing at the old slaves face, digging her nails into the wrinkled skin and drawing blood. How dare she say the Witch would let Natalia go so easy.

 

“You will make her a fortune.”

 

Somewhere else inside she knew the most important thing for the Witch was credits.

 

But Natalia didn't care, it would please the WItch so it would please her.

 

Soon after Natalia had learned all she could from her teachers, she knew how to please men but appear innocent. She knew how to entertain with words and music, with dance and poetry. She knew when to keep quiet and when to speak.

 

One day, one final day a man came to see her. Her lessons were just arbitery now, for show. She had learned all she could from her teachers and surpassed them. She knew this the day she played the harp with a song she composed herself, on the spot watching the colours of bright green and blue and white fluctuate around her teacher’s form, shaping the music to what gave the most pleasure. Tuning the notes into a form that had the brightest blue and gold of awe.

 

The man who came had a name, Natalia heard it but she disremembered. It was a large name, a name that caused a hush of maroon to fall over the servants, even the Witch quivered in the icy black of fear and shivering violet of anticipation.

 

The man watched Natalia, he came every day for week and watched her in her lessons. Finally he spoke with the Witch, while Natalia knelt at her feet.

 

“Two Hundred Million Credits,” he told the Witch who trilled a beautiful indigo laugh. 

 

“I will take nothing under Five Hundred kind Monsieur.”

 

“Four Hundred and Fifty,” the man said.

 

The Witch smiled. Her teeth straight white and sharp.

 

Natalia could see the man acquiescence in the minor shift of his shoulders but also in the green glow of his lust.

 

“I will perform the procedure tonight and you can collect your property tomorrow,” the Witch told him, catching Natalia up with and arm and sweeping away with her back to her rooms. Natalia clung to her in desperation, aware something had shifter, the glowing blue violet and stark oragnae of the Witch’s pleasure a thrum in her veins.

 

“Mistress?” was all Natalia could squeak in confusion, the delight rolling off the Witch in waves at war with her own apprehension.

 

“Five Hundred Million!” the Witch crowed lifting Natalia off her feet and swinging her around only to hold her close and clutch her against her breast. 

 

“Sweet darling you have made Mistress the happiest.”

 

Natalia glowed at the praise, soaking in the brilliant blue of the Witch’s happiness even as she fought with apprehension lurking below in her belly.

 

Before bed the Witch lay Natalia down beside her and raked her hands through her hair, it was the most comforting and calm Natalia ever felt. This must be what it’s like to have a mother Natalia thought. 

 

“Mistress will miss you Natalia my child, don't ever think I won’t,” were the last words she heard 

There was a dull yellow glow and then Natalia knew no more.

 

When she woke in the morning there was no one around. The world seemed grey and muted. Natalia dressed herself and left the room.

 

The Witch was seated at the dining table and Natalia stopped in her tracks staring at her.

 

There was no fear, no happiness. When Natalia looked at the Witch she felt nothing. The Witch smiled at her and Natalia felt…. Nothing. The world dulled and Natalia began to wail. Her voice leaving her in harsh sobs and wracking her frame. She ran at the Witch screaming.

 

She hated the Witch she hated. She didn’t know what hate was but this was it, this fiery burnt orange and brown, a chugging dry pull of intense heat in her gut. Her fists did nothing to the Witch who easily held her back, cooing and splitting false lassitudes against her hair.

 

“It’s fine my darling, you’ll grow used to it.”

 

But Natalia didn’t think she’d ever get used to not having the Witch at the center of her world, how could she when all she saw looking at the Witch now was a woman. Too much cosmetics on her face, too much nano-bots in her hair pretending to keep her young. All the colours dulled and faded.

 

“Have I paid for a false pet?” There was a voice behind her and Natalia stilled.

 

Her entire being sang and she twisted in the arms of the Witch. The man from before stood there in the doorway and Natalia could breathe again. She felt as if all the strings connecting her to the universe spiralled and attached to the man. His every motion and breath tied to the beating of Natalia’s heart. 

  
She knew what had been done then, even as the Witch gave her a little push forwards, towards the man and Natalia stumbled on numb legs. 

 

“Greet your master as you’ve been taught Natalia.”

 

“Greetings Master.” Natalia parroted and attempted a clumsy curtsy.

 

Her new Master smiled, he colours deep emerald green with hints of rose. He reached out and pet her hair and she clung to his leg suddenly feeling like the colours in her world had returned, her rage at the Witch from minutes before evaporating like dust.

 

“It works exactly as promised, you won’t find a being more loyal to you in this Galaxy Monsieur. Or one that can anticipate and cater to your needs like this one.”

 

Natalia hugged the old slave when it was time to leave, brushed the tears out of her eyes and said, “It’s okay Grandma don't cry, I’m happy.” But the slave cried harder so Natalia pulled away.

 

She glanced disinterestedly at the Witch and then hopped away to hold her Master’s hand as he smiled at her and led her out the door of the only house she remembered.

 

* * *

 

 

Standards and standards later the programming that had been completely washed from her system. A lot had happened and Natalia had changed hands more than her original owner may have suspected. The colours never stopped but that feeling of the universe only aligning to her master or mistresses voice was gone. She had every control over her own actions and feelings and if she chose to ignore the meaning behind the colours she saw it was her own decision and no one could influence her about it.

 

Neil Josten was a bright yellow ball, burning in her vision, he shone almost as bright as Andrew did the first time she met him, but his yellow was alway eclipsed by shards of black, flickering over his form like colours of a holo screen overlaid over one another.

 

Renee as was the new name she liked for herself never questioned him about it and only took her queues of his colour’s when she deemed them a danger to their crew.

 

Still when he moved out from behind Andrew, the hybrids fiery red orange a backdrop to Neil’s gold she was struck by something she never had before.

 

Her heart sank when she felt it, so similar to that feeling of falling, of her every atom being attuned to one person, so that her will was not her own so that she only lived to please. But no the programming had been taken out of her for Standards. This was just something that felt very similar.

 

She clutched Allison’s wrist and grounded herself in the pink and mauve flush of Allison’s swirling presence. 

 

“I’m not going to leave, I want to stay. If you’ll have me. The Fox Tail is my home, you are my home.” Neil said.

 

He glowed gold and then brighter still, the strength of his resolve almost blinding, yellow to gold to bright white.

 

It was not unlike the brainwashing the Witch had programmed Natalia with, to be devoted and to obey, whoever held the key. But this time Renee knew whatever covenant she agreed into, it would be her own choice. She chose to stand with the Fox’s, with Neil and his colours so strange and bizzare, Renee nor Natalia could make head or tails of them.

 

“We will have you.” Renee said.

Staring around at the Foxes, she felt it again, that pull, that tug, every string connecting her to the deep dark purple whorl of the universe aligned and pulled taut to the people standing around her in the galley of the Fox Tail. She wasn’t letting go again, not of her own volition.

 

Like Neil she had found home, this messy crew, this broken ship. 

 

She met Andrew’s eyes behind Neil and saw he understanding there, the acceptance the resolve.

**Author's Note:**

> Excuse whatever weirdness is happening with tense but remembering ur brainwashed child hood isn't very linear.
> 
> Come say hi on [tumblr](http://buckywithegoodhair.tumblr.com/). Or my fandom[ twitter. ](https://twitter.com/YoonglesIsMyDad)
> 
> I'm very easy to convince into writing more, I just need constant nagging. I still don't know what this fic is. But I'm definitely borrowing some lingo from my all time favorite original 'verse you can ask me about it if you like.


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